How has it been a year?

First off I want to thank you all for the cards, your messages of both support and encouragement and I would like to apologise for the lack of replies &, thank yous, I could say I have been busy, but that would simply not be the whole truth although to a degree I have been.

In all honesty for the most part, that has not really been the truth, since Christmas, I felt lost and numb, going through the motions, and a lack of motivation.

I think in part it was the dread of this month we now find ourselves in, and what it means, as some of you had previously read, the weeks from Christmas onwards until now last year where simply hell.

So I don't think it has been any surprise, (least of all to me) that the lead up to today has been looming on the horizon like a dark cloud, edging its way ever closer.

While I was always of course going to find myself reflecting on the days leading up to Sharon's hospitalisation, the horrible days, the painful days, those I am sure will dull with more time.

Having moments of reflection has not been all bad,  the last chats we had had, the meals I cooked for her  (she went on an omelette phase) and then believe it or not, the last thing Sharon insisted on the night before  she went into hospital was a Whites lemonade ice lolly, she lay in bed with it and wore more than she ate as it was melting and dropping off, she gave me 'that look' for finding it amusing ha ha

 
It is not like I am going out of my way to remember these things, they are flooding to the surface, in resounding waves.

Too many words not enough pictures,

 Crete 2015 pre op holiday

I was sure that Thursday 9th February would have broken me, as it was going to mark the day that I had no choice but to call the ambulance again, but this time, unbeknown to me, it would be the last.

But, do you know what? 
Surprisingly it did not, in part I know that Sharon stayed here at home with me for as long as we could really allow, this I know, I also know that there was nothing more that, I or the medical profession could do, other than to make her final days as pain free and as comfortable as possible surrounded by her loved ones. 

Please note, I write this a little selfishly as much for more own benefit as yours x x

But more often than not I find my mind (when I allow it to be) is pulled to happier times, for us we were fortunate in being so 'in tune', the only dark days were cancer related, there was no real no arguments, that does not mean one of us was more dominant that the other, but more of how truly in sync we were.

  You all have seen us together, that was no act, that was 24/7 - 365 so I have no end of pleasant memories of moments filled with more love that you could pack into a cheesy Hollywood or hallmark movie, and all the 'firsts' as we called them, new places we both visited, new places to eat, new experiences 'firsts'.

I am waffling again aren't I?

Anyway

We all remember Sharon for different reasons, for me at least,  it is for her eyes and the way her smile began inside of  them, the way she would look at me brings me comfort and always will.

We truly were genuinely lucky to have found each other.




Lunch time today I have arranged for a meal for the family, this way nobody needs to spend it alone should they not wish to be, this is at the same pub we had our post wedding/pre wedding reception meal at, it felt only fitting, although time will tell how I feel on the today.

Tears is just salt water, so I am sure it will add to the flavour of my dinner?

Yesterday I spent creating a video tribute of pictures and video footage that most of you have never seen, the backing song is one from 'Bon Jovi' that goes by the name of  'always' the reason will become obvious at a point in the video if you watch it, it is uploaded as an unlisted video on Youtube x

I have also booked the tomorrow off  work, I had contemplated booking the 9th & 10th off  but it has helped keep me focused on something other than my thoughts.

Take the time to hug each other, tell  your loved ones what they mean to you and remember, be like Shaz....use gratuitous amounts of glitter in all that you create.

WOYWW 662 - Not a desk, but a check in

Ok while I can still focus, I have wrote 2 blog posts, this one for today, and another for later in the week.

As you know I passed my motorcycle test at the back end of last year, I spent a few months researching  motorcycles, creating a list of must haves and nice to haves and driving miles to find some to look at and or sit on....

Then I would change my mind when I get there rinse and repeat ha ha

 I looked at different styles, Harley Davidson cruisers types, and the more practical tourer types that are more comfortable for longer distances, as you can see below, the practical side of me won ( I need my creature comforts) so...

So I introduce you all to my trusty steed, a 2009 BMW F700gs, this has all the safety features like ABS, traction control, comfort modes, touring screen and heated grips (a must with Raynaud's disease) to name a few of the included features that will assist in keeping me safe and comfortable while I ride.

I will be honest, this has helped me no end mentally, let me explain why...

I find myself completely drained and found myself wanting to just get out the house on more than one occasion, I would then feel guilty for the way I felt (mad I know), before I had the bike I found myself hating going out in the car, or more specifically going on long journeys, these were horrid as the seat next to me was empty, a constant reminder of how alone I felt. 

With the bike that is a none issue as it is completely different, so when it gets too much I can just jump on the bike and ride to clear my head as long as I am back in time for work, or its a weekend, I can be out for hours. This bike has also allowed me to attend more last rides which I find incredibly rewarding.

Lets just be clear here, one does not simply just jump on a bike, you get kitted up and this takes planning  (ATGAT all the gear all the time) I just want to be clear on that point.

 So to that end, my brothers have been helping me make the front of the house work as I have no garage or drive storing a bike, so the focus switched to the front of the house while the weather has allowed.

We 'had' planters and there will be a new one in due course to that end all of the previous  plants have been relocated on a temporary basis while the work is done.

Left picture -  after the bed and front wall is partially removed 

Centre picture - mistakes were made (not guilty this time) but my brother was not aware of the cable.
Right picture - 2 tonne of type one stone arrives and I needed to move it into the hole (do I look like I am built for manual labour?) anyway mission accomplished in under 2 hours.

Yeah, about the telephone and internet cables, eh, yeah, a thing happened, but not to worry, I fixed it ha ha, it will get a proper fix before it goes back underground with water proof connectors and a water proof gel filled box, I fully expect it to be damaged in the removal of the front wall and I will need to do another repair or replace the cable.

Yes, very much a work in progress...

Next weekend (weather permitting) the path leading up to the front door along with rest of the front wall will be ripped out and new walls built. 

The plan is to block path almost all the area with locking anchors concreated in at the front and rear wheel locations to secure the bike too, I will also run power for the trickle charger allowing room for a smaller smaller planter on the left as we look at the image, with a wider gate on the right.

So this bike means come the spring and summer I am up for visiting family and friends in person, but of course not without a heads up xx

I am going to keep this post short for me (not true, well kind of is, I cropped it so there is another to follow) 

As always do head over our Julia's at the stamping ground for the latest gossip and desk goodness.

And finally...